I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
