Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
