Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
