feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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