What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
