tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
