So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He felt like a one man threesome
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
