there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
