Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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