I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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