The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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