I got chris browned last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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