My balls are so social today.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
