The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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