Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
