2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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