drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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