That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
