just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize