i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I looked at my own cervix.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
