It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
