I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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