Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
