So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
