you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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