I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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