Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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