Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
