U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
