Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
