did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
