I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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