I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize