God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
