I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
