My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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