I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
