A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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