So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
