I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
