im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
