Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
