i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
