I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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