if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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