and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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