but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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