I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize