Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
