Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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