The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
