you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Everyone says I win the strip club
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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