I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
