Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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